10 Rules Made to Be Broken
Family Life
By Mimi Greenwood Knight
Every now and then, tossing discipline out the window is the best thing you can do for your child. When I was pregnant with my first child, Haley, a seasoned mother of five let me in on a little secret. She told me that the key to maintaining sanity in parenthood was to lower your standards with each child.
Lower my standards? I had a long list of things I’d never do and an even longer list of things I was determined my kids would never do, say, own, eat, think, or wear. But eight years and three kids later, I’ve come to realize that some rules just don’t matter in the long run.
Don’t get me wrong: Kids need limits. But to be a truly sensitive parent, you must recognize that a child’s need for a little breathing room is sometimes more important than upholding principles. Tantrums aside, children who are given the freedom to express themselves, live in the moment and just have fun tend to think more creatively and get more genuine joy from the world around them than children who aren’t.
"Parents don’t need to police their kids all the time," says Kori Levos Skidmore, Ph. D., a clinical child psychologist at Children’s Memorial Hospital, in Chicago. "If you accommodate your child’s wishes once in a while, he is less likely to get upset in circumstances when you must lay down the law."
So which regulations should remain rigid, and which ones can go with the flow? That depends on you and your child. Some kids need more structure than others (as do some adults). But there are a few instances in which easing up on your house rules may just improve family life.
Rule #1: You Can’t Wear That!
My 4-year-old son has a beloved pair of red rubber boots that
he likes to wear with everything from church clothes to pajamas.
Thought It would be nice to see him dressed up like a Gap model, the smile on his face when his friends exclaim,
"Look at those great boots!" assures me that allowing him to
express himself is more important than his maintaining a
perfect appearance.
Rule #2: Don’t Play With Your Food
We all want to teach our children proper table manners (See
"Teaching Good Manners Age by Age") But there are other
important lessons to be learned at mealtime. A 2-year-old
who plunges her fingers into a bowl of pasta isn’t making a
social faux pas; she’s learning about shape, texture, and temperature.
"Food exploration is a great teaching opportunity,"
Dr. Skidmore says. "So many items lend themselves to play
and learning. If your 5-year-old is enjoying a bowl of alphabet
soup, ask her if she can eat all the A’s first. If your 4-yearold
is nibbling on animal crackers, challenge him to find two
bears and three seals."
Inevitably, there will be times when your kids will have to display their best table manners. But when time and conditions allow, relax and enjoy a meal with your kids that’s fun and educational.
Rule #3: Don’t Stay Up Past Bedtime
It’s important, of course, for kids to have regular and adequate
rest But small deviations from your child’s bedtime
routine once in a while wont disturb her sleep cycle or affect
her health. "Sometimes enjoying a special occasion is far
more important than getting to bed on time," Dr Skidmore
says. "I’ve never met a child who has suffered unduly from
staying up an extra 20 minutes."
But you can turn a plea to stay up into a learning experience itself, even on evenings when there’s nothing to stay up for,. One dad I know tell his 5-year-old daughter that if she can think of a really good reason why he should delay bedtime, she can stay up for an extra ten minutes. This has resulted in some wonderful stories she has created to argue her case. Sure, she misses a few minutes of sleep now and then. But her imaginative powers have benefited in ways that time cannot measure.
Rule #4: Don’t Jump on the Furniture
I’m not suggesting that you encourage your child to break
the couch – or his legs. But holding onto his hands and gently
bouncing on bed or couch is great exercise. "It’s also a wonderful
way to strengthen the parent-child bond," says Lynda
Tenhundfeld, M.D., a psychiatrist in Washington D.C. "During
these moments, your child has your undivided attention.
He’s not competing with work or other obligations.: So turn
on some music, bounce to the beat, and enjoy a special moment
alone with your child.
Rule #5: Don’t Talk Back
Pick up any parenting book, and you’re bound to come
across the chapter that advises you to tell your child to "use
his words." Sometimes I repeat this phrase to my students
and children so many times a day that I hear it in my sleep.
Of course, it would be totally contradictory (not to mention
confusing) to turn around and tell kids not to talk back.
I’m not saying that you should tolerate disrespectful remarks. But giving your child a chance to express his opinions allows him to practice negotiating conflicts in a nonthreatening environment. The next time you ask your child to do something he doesn’t want to do, let him articulate his reasons, then respond calmly with your own. Ultimately, you’ll teach him how to handle himself with grace and confidence, in the sandbox and the classroom.
Rule #6: Don’t Be Silly
The outgoing message on our answering machine was
recorded by my daughter Molly when she was in one of her
giddier moods. The greeting informs callers that not only is
our family indisposed but the cat is busying himself in the
litter box and our dog is rooting through the garbage. The response
we’ve received from the callers has been so delightful
that I’ve kept the message for more than a year.
"Celebrating your child’s silliness is a wonderful way to demonstrate that you understand and appreciate her,’ says Joan Kinlan, M.D., a child and adolescent psychiatrist in Washington, D.C. "When your child is in a wacky mood, laugh along with her. It will bring you closer together."
And don’t be afraid to be a little goofy yourself. When your toddler is throwing a temper tantrum, a little humor can sometimes defuse the situation. Try throwing yourself down right beside her. Don’t be surprised if, after the initial shock wears off, she bursts into laughter and forgets all about her battle of wills. Indeed, for many ills, silliness – and the laughter that inevitably follows – is the best medicine.
Rule #7: Stay out of Mom and Dad’s BedWe all know how important it is for a child to learn to sleep on her own. But a little snuggle time on a rainy morning is a far cry from a nightly ritual. In this overscheduled world, cuddling in bed is a wonderful way to spend time together and relax as a family Bag a few z’s, host a Saturday-morning cartoon fest, or have a Sunday-night movie marathon complete with popcorn under the covers. You’ll be glad you did. Rule #8: Don’t Make a Mess
Remember the joy of concocting mud pies? There’s a reason it was so much fun. "Making a mess fosters creativity," says Dr. Tenhundfeld. The grass stains that result from your child’s backyard safari or the paint splatters from your junior Picasso’s latest masterpiece are a small price to pay for nurturing her imagination So let your children get a little dirty. That’s why washing machines were invented. As a matter of fact, why not just join in?
Rule #9: No Showing Off
In my preschool classroom, the highlight of the day is circle
time, when each child has a chance to be in he spotlight. They
might show the class a picture they drew, sing a song, or just
bask in the glow of their peers’ attention. Don’t worry – these
children are not destined to be show-offs. "Being the center
of attention tells the child that he is worthy of the appreciation
of others," says Dr. Tenhundfeld. In fact, focusing on a
child’s personal achievements, whether it’s a masterpiece in
Magic Marker or a perfect cartwheel, inspires her to improve
and move on to bigger challenges. So the next time your child
points out an accomplishment, no matter how small, give her the bragging rights she’s due.
Rule #10: No Skipping School
There are so many wonderful lessons to be learned outside
the classroom, and its important to embrace them whenever
they come along. One weekday morning last year, I opened
Haley’s closet and discovered our family cat delivering a litter
of kittens. My family and I immediately canceled all of
the days activities (including work and school) to stay home
with the proud new mother. Was I setting a bad precedent
for my children? Maybe. But what a shame it would have
been to miss that incredible event. Though we want our kids
to take their schoolwork seriously, its also important for them
to experience life lessons which are unlikely to arrive on any
schedule. Whether its taking a special family vacation or visiting
your state capital to meet the governor, your child’s
hands-on learning experience will benefit him just as much
as – if not more than – a day spent learning phonics and calculating
slums on the blackboard.