10 Rules Made to Be Broken

Family Life
By Mimi Greenwood Knight

Every now and then, tossing discipline out the window is the best thing you can do for your child. When I was pregnant with my first child, Haley, a seasoned mother of five let me in on a little secret. She told me that the key to maintaining sanity in parenthood was to lower your standards with each child.

Lower my standards? I had a long list of things I’d never do and an even longer list of things I was determined my kids would never do, say, own, eat, think, or wear. But eight years and three kids later, I’ve come to realize that some rules just don’t matter in the long run.

Don’t get me wrong: Kids need limits. But to be a truly sensitive parent, you must recognize that a child’s need for a little breathing room is sometimes more important than upholding principles. Tantrums aside, children who are given the freedom to express themselves, live in the moment and just have fun tend to think more creatively and get more genuine joy from the world around them than children who aren’t.

"Parents don’t need to police their kids all the time," says Kori Levos Skidmore, Ph. D., a clinical child psychologist at Children’s Memorial Hospital, in Chicago. "If you accommodate your child’s wishes once in a while, he is less likely to get upset in circumstances when you must lay down the law."

So which regulations should remain rigid, and which ones can go with the flow? That depends on you and your child. Some kids need more structure than others (as do some adults). But there are a few instances in which easing up on your house rules may just improve family life.

Rule #1: You Can’t Wear That!
My 4-year-old son has a beloved pair of red rubber boots that he likes to wear with everything from church clothes to pajamas. Thought It would be nice to see him dressed up like a Gap model, the smile on his face when his friends exclaim, "Look at those great boots!" assures me that allowing him to express himself is more important than his maintaining a perfect appearance.

As a preschool teacher and a mother, I’ well aware that small children have very little decision-making power in their life – a fact that frustrates them to no end. Clothing is one area in which a little parental leeway does wonders for boosting a child’s self-esteem. If your child must dress a certain way for church or school, give him other occasions to dress the way he wants. He may look silly sometimes, but so what? What matters is that when a child makes his own clothing choices, the experience will help him become a more confident, determined adult.

Rule #2: Don’t Play With Your Food
We all want to teach our children proper table manners (See "Teaching Good Manners Age by Age") But there are other important lessons to be learned at mealtime. A 2-year-old who plunges her fingers into a bowl of pasta isn’t making a social faux pas; she’s learning about shape, texture, and temperature. "Food exploration is a great teaching opportunity," Dr. Skidmore says. "So many items lend themselves to play and learning. If your 5-year-old is enjoying a bowl of alphabet soup, ask her if she can eat all the A’s first. If your 4-yearold is nibbling on animal crackers, challenge him to find two bears and three seals."

Inevitably, there will be times when your kids will have to display their best table manners. But when time and conditions allow, relax and enjoy a meal with your kids that’s fun and educational.

Rule #3: Don’t Stay Up Past Bedtime
It’s important, of course, for kids to have regular and adequate rest But small deviations from your child’s bedtime routine once in a while wont disturb her sleep cycle or affect her health. "Sometimes enjoying a special occasion is far more important than getting to bed on time," Dr Skidmore says. "I’ve never met a child who has suffered unduly from staying up an extra 20 minutes."

But you can turn a plea to stay up into a learning experience itself, even on evenings when there’s nothing to stay up for,. One dad I know tell his 5-year-old daughter that if she can think of a really good reason why he should delay bedtime, she can stay up for an extra ten minutes. This has resulted in some wonderful stories she has created to argue her case. Sure, she misses a few minutes of sleep now and then. But her imaginative powers have benefited in ways that time cannot measure.

Rule #4: Don’t Jump on the Furniture
I’m not suggesting that you encourage your child to break the couch – or his legs. But holding onto his hands and gently bouncing on bed or couch is great exercise. "It’s also a wonderful way to strengthen the parent-child bond," says Lynda Tenhundfeld, M.D., a psychiatrist in Washington D.C. "During these moments, your child has your undivided attention. He’s not competing with work or other obligations.: So turn on some music, bounce to the beat, and enjoy a special moment alone with your child.

Rule #5: Don’t Talk Back
Pick up any parenting book, and you’re bound to come across the chapter that advises you to tell your child to "use his words." Sometimes I repeat this phrase to my students and children so many times a day that I hear it in my sleep. Of course, it would be totally contradictory (not to mention confusing) to turn around and tell kids not to talk back.

I’m not saying that you should tolerate disrespectful remarks. But giving your child a chance to express his opinions allows him to practice negotiating conflicts in a nonthreatening environment. The next time you ask your child to do something he doesn’t want to do, let him articulate his reasons, then respond calmly with your own. Ultimately, you’ll teach him how to handle himself with grace and confidence, in the sandbox and the classroom.

Rule #6: Don’t Be Silly
The outgoing message on our answering machine was recorded by my daughter Molly when she was in one of her giddier moods. The greeting informs callers that not only is our family indisposed but the cat is busying himself in the litter box and our dog is rooting through the garbage. The response we’ve received from the callers has been so delightful that I’ve kept the message for more than a year.

"Celebrating your child’s silliness is a wonderful way to demonstrate that you understand and appreciate her,’ says Joan Kinlan, M.D., a child and adolescent psychiatrist in Washington, D.C. "When your child is in a wacky mood, laugh along with her. It will bring you closer together."

And don’t be afraid to be a little goofy yourself. When your toddler is throwing a temper tantrum, a little humor can sometimes defuse the situation. Try throwing yourself down right beside her. Don’t be surprised if, after the initial shock wears off, she bursts into laughter and forgets all about her battle of wills. Indeed, for many ills, silliness – and the laughter that inevitably follows – is the best medicine.

Rule #7: Stay out of Mom and Dad’s Bed
We all know how important it is for a child to learn to sleep on her own. But a little snuggle time on a rainy morning is a far cry from a nightly ritual. In this overscheduled world, cuddling in bed is a wonderful way to spend time together and relax as a family Bag a few z’s, host a Saturday-morning cartoon fest, or have a Sunday-night movie marathon complete with popcorn under the covers. You’ll be glad you did. Rule #8: Don’t Make a Mess

Remember the joy of concocting mud pies? There’s a reason it was so much fun. "Making a mess fosters creativity," says Dr. Tenhundfeld. The grass stains that result from your child’s backyard safari or the paint splatters from your junior Picasso’s latest masterpiece are a small price to pay for nurturing her imagination So let your children get a little dirty. That’s why washing machines were invented. As a matter of fact, why not just join in?

Rule #9: No Showing Off
In my preschool classroom, the highlight of the day is circle time, when each child has a chance to be in he spotlight. They might show the class a picture they drew, sing a song, or just bask in the glow of their peers’ attention. Don’t worry – these children are not destined to be show-offs. "Being the center of attention tells the child that he is worthy of the appreciation of others," says Dr. Tenhundfeld. In fact, focusing on a child’s personal achievements, whether it’s a masterpiece in Magic Marker or a perfect cartwheel, inspires her to improve and move on to bigger challenges. So the next time your child points out an accomplishment, no matter how small, give her the bragging rights she’s due.

Rule #10: No Skipping School
There are so many wonderful lessons to be learned outside the classroom, and its important to embrace them whenever they come along. One weekday morning last year, I opened Haley’s closet and discovered our family cat delivering a litter of kittens. My family and I immediately canceled all of the days activities (including work and school) to stay home with the proud new mother. Was I setting a bad precedent for my children? Maybe. But what a shame it would have been to miss that incredible event. Though we want our kids to take their schoolwork seriously, its also important for them to experience life lessons which are unlikely to arrive on any schedule. Whether its taking a special family vacation or visiting your state capital to meet the governor, your child’s hands-on learning experience will benefit him just as much as – if not more than – a day spent learning phonics and calculating slums on the blackboard.