WHY IS GETTING A "B" IS NOT GOOD ENOUGH?

Note that this article is about a fictitious client - Sheera. I would never disclose information about any of my real clients. Sheera is an amalgamation of different therapy experiences with adult and teen clients I have seen over the last several years.

Sheera was one of my early clients when I first started my internship at a non-profit agency. I first saw her in the lobby rapidly filling out the paperwork. She appeared clean, well groomed and dressed in professional attire – looked like she was coming directly from work.

After our mutual introductions, she said that she was there because her life is not perfect. She wanted to improve her social skills and felt isolated. She falls apart when things do not go as planned. She also mentioned that she had taken anti-depressants for about 6 months, but stopped them when she did not see any progress. She even tried guided meditation classes, but that did not work. After a couple of sessions, she asked me if I could do something to change her life.

Sheera has a Masters Degree in Education and works as a school teacher. She is the middle child of five of immigrant parents who moved from their country to live the American Dream.

She recalls how angry and disappointed she was with herself when she got one wrong in a spelling test in kindergarten. Her best friend got it all correct. This made her angry and, she was disappointed that she was not good enough. She was the high achiever in the family and always tried the hardest. She spent most of her after-school time working on her AP/honor classes.  She had seen how her mom struggled with her older siblings who had some learning difficulties - they needed extra time with her mother.  Sheera had not played sports or participated in social activities with her friends.

Sheera told me that her mom used to say that she was the most ‘accommodating’ child in the family. Her stay-at-home mom took care of the kids while her father was a good financial provider who even worked during weekends.

Sheera remembers that she worked hard to meet her parents’ expectations.  She recalls the many compliments she got from her mother and others – “You make it look so easy.”  “You are the star in the family.” “You are very mature for your age.

‘ “You are very put together”.

Her identification was with the grades/awards that she brought home. Even when she asked for some help, she was told of how she could figure things out on her own without any one’s help. Math was her favorite subject as she could always find answers to every problem. She needed an answer for everything in her life.
She needed that external validation of her self-worth.

Now she was sitting in my office feeling stuck and frustrated that she did not have a ready answer for how to build and sustain relationships. She was lonely. She was tired of always being the ‘the accomplished one’.

Maybe Sheera is not alone. In the highly demanding world in which we live in, our children need to be exposed to as many experiences as possible - not just academics or athletics. Children should be encouraged to have hobbies and not just focused on college applications. Children’s lives today are over-planned and over-scheduled.

When a child comes home saying that he/she got a “B” or a “C”, common response from their parents is “How come you got a B? Your other friend got an A+? Probably he/she studied more than you did” or something in a similar vein. Sometimes even if they did get an A+, the response they are used to is “what about your other subject?” There is often no reflection or feedback on the hard work and effort the child has put in. Children are left with a sense of emptiness no matter how hard they try – like nothing is good enough.

Yes, it is tough world out there with a bad economy to top it off. So, as parents we want to push our kids so they can become financially independent. Sometimes, in that process, our children may become overly anxious and fearful with a poor capacity to handle stress by the time they finish their high school. Some prefer to turn down top college offers, as they do not want to repeat this crazy cycle all over again.

The message communicated to children is that they are not allowed to get anything less than ‘perfect’ i.e. “B” is not good enough! Therefore, children fantasize that everything in their lives has to be ‘perfect’ such as getting the best car, the best house and, most importantly, “the best” relationship. They have not learned to enjoy the process and are always in a hurry to accomplish the next milestone.

Children, these days, are not allowed to fail or fall. Making mistakes is a natural process of growing up. Parents often try to ‘rescue’ the kids and interfere with that process. I know it is very hard to see our child in pain because I am a parent too. Parenting is the toughest job in the world. There are so many surprises, things that none of us are ever prepared for.

If our children do not learn how to handle failures living on their own, how will they handle themselves when they in the dormitory or with roommates in an apartment? On a daily basis it is okay for a child or teen to be given independence and freedom with reasonable limits, boundaries and expectations.

If we as parents are always on the driver’s seat, when will the kids learn to drive on their own?  Just growing a few inches taller than a parent, or passing the high school SAT with a high score alone is not enough. The child needs to be emotionally and psychologically developed too. This fosters resilience and helps them make better choices in their lives.

Parent ought to be more involved with their children’s development - the child has to be coached on how to handle conflicts, how to socialize with limits and boundaries, how to manage their allowances etc.  How the parents structure their relationship with the child lays the foundation for all the other relationships the child will have outside the house. In addition, parents should also be listening to their child’s perspective. Most kids strive to please their parents.

In the valley we live in, children get plenty of information from the environment about the competitive landscape and the importance of education.  As parents we have to ensure our kids’ future is secure and they do need to be pushed from time to time. However, as we put academic or career expectations on our children, we need to constantly ask ourselves “at what expense?” Surely, not at the expense of stunting their growth in the areas of independence, self-confidence and resilience.

PARENTING SUGGESTIONS:

• Help children develop hobbies to learn things for fun rather than for a college resume. Let them enjoy the process of developing a hobby, not always to excel or get an award. - focus on process or effort praise rather than product praise. Show admiration for attempt, not just for success. Let your children know that you’re not just looking at the grade or the batting average, but also at their persistence or sportsmanship.
• Provide a safe space at home for the kids to be able to share their opinions. They are growing up and it is normal for them to disagree.
• Allow children to fail, and sitting with them in that process is the biggest learning experience that parents can provide. It helps children develop resilience and that will guide them towards success.  Finding a collaborative solution provides hope and your child/ teen will want to communicate with you.
• Set up a time to talk about what is happening in their life – and be able to joke about and discuss TV shows, music etc. Not talk to your child/ teen only about their work.

I was a new therapist and Sheera opened my eyes to how a child viewed the stresses of this world. They had enough pressures from self and peer expectations without needing the parents to add to those. Over our sessions, I helped Sheera disentangle her self-worth to external definitions of success. I saw her grow as a person and enjoy the process of building relationships without the pressure of ‘results’. As she blossomed, I grew as a therapist and, more importantly, as a parent. I had seen Sheera for over a year.  Recently, she found a lucrative job in another state and moved out, vowing to keep in touch with all her friends here!

By
Geetha Narayanan – Marriage and Family Therapist Intern,
www.geethanarayanan.com
Employed and Supervised by Bonnie Faber, MFC 36637